I’ve received a long e-mail from my only niece, who lives in Germany. Very talented, gifted and pretty young woman. Two years ago, she too, had cancer. She’d noticed a little blister-like spot on the underside of her tongue. She thought that this was from a tooth that had an uneven edge. When she finally went to the Dentist, he immediately send her to the hospital for tests. It was positive and already in her lymphnodes.

How I admire her for going through this horrid time. Of all places to get cancer, this is just awful.

She had one of the best micro-reconstructive, surgical teams, who, in an 8 hr operation, ‘cut’ her throat and amputated half of her tongue, then took a piece of flesh out of her upper arm and fashioned a new ‘half’. They followed up with precision radiation (cyberknife?) and she’s alright. Although she can’t ever have the simple joy of ‘licking’ an ice cream cone. All her food had to be pureed and she had to learn to talk all over again. (She’s doing very well on that account too.)

Meanwhile I received a copy of my pathology report and there it is, in black and white. Four impersonal, clinical sentences that are responsible for my interrupted- night sleep. I am not going to write the result here. I’m just a little superstitious! If I do, then it’s like written in marble and forever there. I don’t want to have these thoughts in my brain nor ‘here’. With each time that it is mentioned, it’s as if it’s pounded real some more. And yet…yet, how can I stop thinking?

I spend a lot of time researching. People send me lots of info. It would be a lot easier if I had a sounding board or, someone to bounce these ideas back and forth.

Another Doctor, whom I’ve talked with yesterday, also encouraged me to have surgery and chemo! What IS this, with the cutting?? And the chemo? I wanted to say to him, in a childish, little fit..’ well, you go have it then!’

Well. I don’t have to make a decision, yet. First, the camino. I can’t believe that I am actually going. This was only a fleeting thought, a couple of months ago and here I am preparing. ‘Behave as if it’s going to happen’ and I did. Bought only small, inexpensive items at first. Started hiking different places and longer. Started to research Camino de Santiago more and felt a growing excitement. As if it was calling me, pulling me there like magnet. Even when I thought I had to go by myself and woke up questioning my sanity, the feeling of having to go, persisted.

Now, I’m getting ready to go to the Black Canyon, this huge, gorgeous cathedral, for my Sunday morning walk , solitude and prayers of gratitude. .

‘Whatever we expect with confidence becomes our own self fulfilling prophecy’. I don’t know who wrote this but it seems to fit my present state of mind.

This ‘thing’ called expectation can blindside one as well. Whenever I expect something to go in my favor, many times it back fires. People’s action or lack thereof. Sometimes it’s a quiet, timid, little voice and other times it roars. I’ve tried not to expect anything and then when the situation comes, deal with it on that premise. But, it also sneaks in through the back door when, no matter what you think, there it is! You can drive yourself nuts trying to view all the options and not knowing the outcome. Just remember how it felt, when you were ‘waiting’ and expecting a call from someone you liked and had had a few dates. How we used to sit by the phone (before cell) and prayed for ‘him’ to call!

When I put my questions about ‘Cyberknife’ to various, medically educated people, among them a renound lung specialist, to gauge their opinion and help me make a decision I was surprised at the answers.

Two are totally against it. I’m still not sure of their reasoning except to say that they (cyberknife) just want ‘my money’. I realize this is still a fairly new technology.  Years ago, when they came up with Ultrasound, etc. that was considered ‘experimental’ as well. In the ‘old’ days, when people had kidney stones they had to be operated (cut open) to remove them. Now we have “Lithotripsy.” I’ve had that, too. It really beats cutting unless the stones are too large to move out.

Within the last ten years I’ve had a few surgeries. Let me tell you, if I can avoid them, I will. Say nothing of the horrid chemo and side effects. Last time with ovarian cancer and 2 surgeries and chemo, I was so sick I thought I am turned inside out and vomit my toenails. My bones felt ice cold and I was freezing. Aches and pains and uncontrollable shaking. Food tasted awful. Meat tasted sweet and coffee made sick, well, everything made me sick. With each additional chemo, it got worse. By the 5th chemo, I was ready to just want to quit and didn’t care what may happen. My well meaning doctor gave me 2 anti-nausea pills. One cost $350.00. I threw up both. Nature’s ‘war’ raging between the desire to vomit the poison (Toxil) and the pill repressing, was the worst day I’ve had. I could’ve had a heck of a party with that $700.00, ending up in a toilet bowl.

So, forgive me if I don’t want to have this again. I have also become a ‘coward’ with a yellow streak a mile wide, toward pain. I don’t tolerate nor like pain meds that well, either. This is why the cyberknife appeals to me. The cyberknife is: Painfree, non-invasive, shorter recovery time than conventional radiation and sometimes, one, two or three visits are enough to take care of the tumor. I don’t know, for sure, if I’d be a candidate but we will see. I will agree, that this is chosen for the above reasons and perhaps from an emotional side and not from a clinically ‘precise brain’.

Also, the thought occurred to me, would I still need CHEMO???

When I received a very nice e-mail from a medical expert, whom I respect and admire, I was surprised at his immediate rejection of this treatment. Now, I am stumped. I would like to know the REASON. However, his support of my upcoming trip and unflagging cheering of what I have done so far, as well as calming my fears, is a great source of peace to me. The speed with which I receive these e-mails are very impressive indeed, when one considers his schedule of leading a hospital. I will consider his advice. Just because I don’t agree with it at this point has more to do with fear of pain/chemo.

Its’ a good thing I still have time and can go on my trip. Like my doc, here, said:’ Maybe you can leave ‘it’ there and we won’t have to worry about it.” From his lips to GOD’s ear. (I’m still waiting on a copy that I’d requested over a week ago.)

This link answers a lot of questions and has a huge forum of people who’ve had it, want it or can’t be candidates.

www.cyberknife.com