Next to Last Day: Arzúa to Pedrouzo

Arzúa to Pedrouzo

In Arzúa’s  hostal, I slept well until the early morning.  Instead of being awakened by the rustling of pilgrims, there were other noises.  The sound of scuba gear, for example, with all the oxygen tanks, being dumped into showers upstairs.  A body dragged across the floor.  An entire roomful of furniture being moved across, scraped on, and dropped on the oddly uncarpeted tiled floor on which the hostals here insist.  Then everything was moved back again.  The body propped up in a chair.

Once again we walked a long way in the dark, using Carrie’s wind-up light.  The going was slow.  My thoughts went to the surprising, and large, prepayment penalty I’d just been assessed on my home loan.  I thought it might have been avoidable if I’d given the matter more of my attention, but before the blame could really lock in I reminded myself that I had juggled a superhuman number of things before I’d left for the trip, and I decided to let the money go, which is to say, to forgive myself.  Besides, when we hold on to money, we are trapped in a mindset of scarcity.  You don’t have to believe in something called a law of attraction to grasp that thinking money is scarce and hard to come by will create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

We were very hungry, and Mom needed to rest.  But there were no places to stop, other than stones on the trail.  We kept walking.  At about 7 kilometers, we saw up ahead another mirage – a site for Second Breakfast?  Yes!  I began to hum, and then to whistle, “Ode to Joy”.

I stayed there a while, and Mom and Carrie went on ahead.  I find that I prefer to start from behind and then catch up.  I may have falsely accused myself of competitiveness the other day.  I just feel better at 5 to 7 kilometers per hour.  I don’t get sore, and my bones, legs, and feet don’t hurt.  So, for the last time on this trip, I turned it on, and it was good.

Think of something funny, my boss said.  For the blog.

I got nothing funny.  Trying to walk here.

Then do profound.

Also not.  (Now my boss had me using German grammar).

Instead, relieved of the pace of 3 kilometers per hour, I was free to sing to myself, and also to the black-and-white Hereford cows I passed:

She’s got style

She’s got grace

And she’ll squirt milk

in your face

cause she’s a caa-ow

You who judge me, or dismissively recommend a karaoke exorcism, simply reveal the depths of your own ignorance.  It so happens that at my stride length, “She’s a Lady” offers the perfect rhythm for walking 7 kilometers per hour.  Go ahead.  Measure a three-foot stride, walk for an hour, and see if you don’t cover seven kilometers.

Pedrouzo

The Albergue Porta de Santiago, in Pedrouzo, was one of the most modern we’ve seen, and one of the most attractive.  It is one of perhaps three albergues on the entire trip that has motivated me to take its picture.  I especially salute the designers for the happy Feng Shui of their glassed-in plants, and for using solid, well-constructed wooden bunks in place of rickety aluminum, and wooden slats in place of springs.  (Noise control, however, would be much better if they used walls that went to the ceiling.  As it is, there is no way for pilgrims to pack or even exit without pilgrims on the other side of the eight-foot partial wall hearing them).

Rene was already there when we arrived, resting his sore bones inside his sleeping bag.  Next to the Feng Shui area, naturally.  He grinned at me every time I passed, which I did a lot in order to get on the free wi-fi.  The proprietor gravely informed me that the password to the wi-fi was “un secreto,” and only he could type it in.  Rene grinned really big when he saw me with my laptop.  He assumes that the only thing that can be done on a computer is work, whereas I live much of my life on it, including 46% of the fun parts.

The next day would be our last on the Camino.

Freud’s Sun

The Demise of the Beautiful

Before Julio and Marie Anne had to leave us, Julio said that Marie Anne would be sad once she got back to France.  “She is always sad when a walk ends,” he said.  And indeed she was, as he reported a few days later.  There’s something interesting here.  She was sick during much of the trip.  Over the summer she had fallen out of her usual walking shape, with the result that she struggled every day and was always falling behind.  And of course she slept with the masses, and ate food designed for them too.

So what did she miss?  The camaraderie?  The slowing-down mindfulness of walking?  Freaking Julio?

Carrie, too, said she was already sad at the prospect of the walk being over.

I don’t have this.  On the other hand, I did at least enjoy myself while it was going on.  In working with clients (not to mention myself, my most intractable client), I often think of Freud and a colleague walking in the evening, or perhaps it was morning.  Freud pointed out the magnificent sunset, but his colleague did not want to look.  He said something like, “It will only go away, and then I’ll be sad.”  A lot of us, a lot of the time, live our lives that way.

Notes from Kilometer 18, Give or Take

Oy.  I am knackered.  Currently in Arca, or Pedrouzo, or Arca Pedrouzo, or Arca (Pedrouzo) – it all depends on the sign you read.  Just as whether we’ve traveled 40 or 43 kilometers in the last two days depends on whether you believe the piece of paper given us by the French, the somewhat suspicious Galician kilometerstones, or your lyin’ legs.  In any event, we’re at about Kilometer 18 – or about six hours’ walk from Santiago, which we’ll reach tomorrow.

A few days ago I was going to write here that I’ve finally gotten the hang of all this walking business.  By the time we reach Santiago, I thought, I’d be in shape to walk this Camino.  But yesterday the bones (or something; ligaments?) of my legs hurt. And today it was the bottoms of my feet.  We’ve been resting for hours, and they’re still sore.  It’s like a dwarf pounded on them with a wooden mixing spoon.  Why a dwarf?  I don’t know.  Imagery.

Let’s catch up, shall we?

Spanish Pilgrims

The Spanish (all references to “the Spanish” here expressly exclude Julio) keep to themselves, somewhat like the Asians.  Everyone else on the Camino interacts with one another.  In the Asians’ case, I think it is a matter of language and culture.  If they speak English, or want to talk, they don’t let on.  In the case of the Spaniards, it is both the lack of a common language (few speak English, the common language of the non-Spanish pilgrims) and the Spaniards’ lesser need to seek out friendship:  their own friends are just around the corner.  And who else but the Spanish can take just two or four days to walk on the Camino?

Lejos!” they say, when I answer that I am from the United States.  Anywhere in the U.S. but New York is, in their minds, even farther away.

The Spanish are also not as much in the moment, perhaps because they are in their own country, so they have not, in a sense, left their old lives behind.  They are still on the same cell phone plans, and they, unique among the nationalities here, carry their phones with them around the albergues, or can even be heard talking on the Camino itself.  I’ve seen Spanish Camino bikers ride by wearing earbuds.  “Buen Camino!” one called out to us, and then continued talking into his cell phone’s microphone as he rolled past.  Really, why bother with the Camino?  You can do that on a stationary bike in your local gym.

On Toilets

I think it’s time we had a serious, adult conversation about toilets in Europe, and perhaps especially in less developed Europe.  The traveler to certain parts of Europe, like points on the Camino, cannot help but notice that there must not be a distribution channel for toilet seats in these areas.  There the commode sits, fine white porcelain, yet bereft of any place for you to sit.  Except that you are supposed to sit.  You must sit.  And if you are a man, you will sit where the splashing from other men goes.  On the porcelain itself.

Was there, at some point, a rash of toilet-seat thefts by tourists or pilgrims?  Where would you put one?  My driver’s ed teacher in high school made his bathroom pass a toilet seat precisely because they can’t be hidden.

At least it’s not southern Italy, whose toilets alone (last I was there, in 1989) gave it Third World (or Developing World, as we’re now supposed to say) status.  There, you get a hole in the ground.  If you’re lucky, there’s a chain or rope from the ceiling that you can clasp hold of while squatting.  I remember I was right out of college, this was in Naples, there was a long line for the bathrooms.  I walked to the front of the line just to see WTF.  There sat an unsmiling matron of a certain age, at a large desk, doling out five squares of toilet paper to each of the backpackers.  There they all stood, shifting their weight from one foot to the other, waiting for their squares.

I then went to see the toilets.  Cheesus Crise! as Julio would say.  Hole in the ground and not even a chain to hold onto.  The Romans were better sanitation engineers in 40 BCE than the Napolitanos were in 1989.

Ventas de Narón to Casanova Mato

Web with Dew

Every inhalation in Galicia brings with it a surprise.  It is an earthy, aromatic part of the world.  Woodsmoke and sorghum, fall leaves and grass, cow dung and a smell like oranges (but there are no oranges), hay that smells like camomille, soil.  Eucalyptus!  Brought in from Australia in the mistaken belief it would be useful for building.

In the morning I am inhaling the camomille-like smell in deep breaths, taking it in, imagining the freshness of it nurturing my cells, and then I am caught short by a smell so foul that my cells threaten to mutate, or at least to revolt, until once again I can smell something like tea . . .

We have left so early that we navigate by moonlight.  I have left my new headlamp somewhere, and Mom has spent so many hours reading while others sleep that her battery is dead.

Oh what a plight

Dark as dark night

Thank God for Carrie

With her wind-up light

There is a corona around the moon, like a small rainbow.  “Grandma Powell always said that meant a change in the weather,” Mom said.  “I guess that was the Indian in her.”  Grandma Powell was one-quarter Indian – Cherokee, and perhaps Blackfoot or Blackfeet (these are two distinct tribes).  The rest, as I’ve written elsewhere, was gristle.

From the hills we’re in, we can see fog blanketing the valley below.  When we enter the fog, the air is so thick with water that our packs grow wet, and the trees rain water down on us as we pass.

We pass a cemetery.  My eye catches the word “Peregrino,” Pilgrim, on a sign, and I back up to read it.

Cimetario de Peregrinos

How encouraging.  A cemetery for pilgrims who fell between the 80th and 60th kilometers.

Mom said she read in her book, the one by the German comedian, that only 16% of pilgrims finish the Camino.

We are still navigating by moonlight, and when we enter the trees and the moonlight can’t penetrate, we navigate by litter.  Pilgrim litter is far more reliably ever-present than the Camino’s fabled yellow arrow.

My mind is still working on yesterday’s legal kerfuffle.  It’s also working out solutions to the electronic document signing on Friday.

Secure DocuSign signature starts with the preparer of the document having the email address of the signatories and giving them a password.  Title company inexperienced with DocuSign, won’t think to require a password.  Person clicking on the signature lines needs only the credentials to the email address to be used. 

And this I give to Julio, who is on his way to Madrid, by text message, with instructions for him to pass the same on to Adam, in New Jersey, by email.  Problem solved, I return to the world around me.

Dog and Corncrib (What do these things *do*?)

We will put in around 20 kilometers today.  It is almost too much for Mom.  “I wish we were already there,” she says, with a few kilometers to go.  I have noticed the same thought in myself.  I then put my attention back in the present, including on my sore legs or hips, working to remain in the now.  I suggest that she too follow Eckhart’s advice not to resist, not to want to be in the future.

“I’m not resisting,” Mom says, resisting even talk of resistance.  “It was just kind of a little hope.”

Carrie laughs.  Forget being a prophet who isn’t heard in his own house; try being a mere life coach.

Casanova Mato

We finally reach the albergue in Casanova Mato.  The older woman who runs it is handsome and officious and as helpful as she can be without speaking English.  We three go upstairs and shower, and then Carrie and I take a nap.  It is probably my second nap of the trip.  I’m finding that naptime is an excellent time to get sleep without snorers around.  Daytime has always been for me an illicit time to sleep, a hedonistic indulgence, and so it’s doubly delicious.  In fact, it’s downright —

“Wake up,” Mom says.  “It’s five-thirty.  Time to eat.”

She’s perched on the edge of her bed, shoes tied smartly.

“We just ate a few hours ago,” I say, stifling a sob.

“No, we ate at three,” she says.

Mom’s gusto for food has reached a fever-pitch on this trip.  I point out that I’m not yet hungry, and that nothing in Spain starts cooking before six-thirty, and that in fact the woman downstairs told me that the albergue a kilometer to the east opens at seven-thirty, and the one 1.5 kilometers to the west, which offers a ride, opens at six-thirty or a quarter to seven.

“I’m bored,” she says.

“Why don’t you arrange the mochilas for tomorrow?”  This will get rid of her, I think.

A young Spaniard named Álvaro helps me speak to the service that handles the mochilas, the backpacks that Mom and Carrie send ahead by car every day.  I thought I was clear to tell the mochila man that we need him to carry the mochilas from Casanova Mato to Ribadiso, but he keeps asking the name of whichever woman is downstairs.  Is it Carmen?  How the hell should I know?  We went around like this for some time.  I asked a group of four Spaniards of about my age if any of them spoke English.  They all shook their heads and pointed to Álvaro.  He got on the phone, then off.

“He is very hard to understand,” Álvaro says.  “It’s a strange dialect. I think it’s maybe his first day on the job.”

I asked Álvaro why he was on the Camino.  “Because in January my mother was very ill, and I promised if she got better . . .  She got better.”

We invited him to join us for dinner, but he’d brought his own comida, he said.  So we called the albergue, Casa Bolboreta, that served food 1.5km away, and then we were blown away by the great meal we got for 8 Euros.  Meatballs, great fries, lentil stew, water, wine – Mom said it was the second-best meal she’s had here, after the dreamy two servings of soup she got during the festival in tiny Navarette.

She and Carrie had been reading the blog and got themselves into a laughing fit.  Mom started to reminisce about a trip to Germany in the 1990s, when Oma, my mother’s mother, was still alive.  Mom had gone with her then-husband, known now as whatsizname, and they decided to take a bus tour of the Rhine Valley.  Oma invited herself along.  They’d been riding in the bus for several hours when Oma leaned across the aisle and said to Mom, “Where are we going?”

“I don’t know,” Mom said.

“Well, where is it then?”

“I don’t know that either.”

Oma, disgusted, turned to the man next to her.  “Sir,” she said, in her unmistakable (and usually incomprehensible) Bavarian accent, “d’yaknow where this bus ‘s goin?”

“Leiwen,” the man said.  She thanked him and turned back to Mom.

“Where is this Leiwen?”

“How should I know?”

“What,” Oma said, “you get on a bus and don’t even know where it’s going?”

The Albergue at Casanova Mato

The albergue itself looked a lot like the little hospital in which I was born.  Boxy, small, and, by definition, I suppose, sort of clinical.  There must be a manufacturer out there who makes albergue dormitory bunk beds, because I’ve seen them again and again on the Camino.  They’re made of hollow aluminum.  They don’t fit together well, and they squeak.

But their squeaking is nothing compared to the sound their springs make. Imagine ten windshield wipers that have lost their rubber.  I felt bad every time I got up from the bed, or sat down.  It’s not good to hold it in when you’ve got to go in the middle of the night, but some times – and I do mean only some of the time – I’m more thoughtful than is good for me.

Or maybe I still had in mind the ominous sign downstairs.  Its English translation assured us that the albergue had the right to “throw away” any “infractors” of the rules of the albergue.  (The fine print said infractors could be thrown in either a culvert or the trough of a pig (also known as pre-jamon) “at the proprietor’s sole discretion”.)

Casanova Mato to Arzua (~ Km. 60 to ~ Km. 38)

Still no grocery stores. And our albergue didn’t even serve breakfast.  The next spot on the map – there are few towns on the Galician Camino – is over 9 kilometers away.

It is cold when we start.  After thirty or so minutes, I have to take off my windbreaker and cap, leaving my two wool layers and gloves.  Then, without any change in altitude, we all suddenly walk across an invisible line and the temperature drops.

“Did you feel that?”

“Yes!  It got cold again!”

We walk on for a bit, and then it’s like walking into a warm house.  By now I am totally confused.  I am able, finally, to empathize with Tiger Woods, never quite sure whether his clothes are to be be put on or taken off.

Mom says that she no longer feels anything in her back, where the tumor sat.  She says that Barbara the Bavarian told her about a German woman who’d had cancer and walked the Camino.  The woman visualized the cancer as a ball of wool, and every day saw herself pulling a strand of wool off it.  When she went back for her tests, the cancer was gone.

The Ultimate Second Breakfast

However, Mom says she feels a pain like a band across her stomach.  Perhaps it’s the lentils, which begin to do their job and send her into the bushes.

Mentally, I am more of a walker now.  Walking 20 kilometers, or almost 13 miles, is no longer a big deal.  On some days, I could see walking a good bit more.  And of course 13 miles will get you all over Manhattan. But we rely on our food, and our breaks, and we love above all Second Breakfast – which is hard to find in Galicia.  We are all starving, and need a break from walking in the near-darkness.  I am just commenting on the dearth of places to eat when, up ahead, I see it.

It’s like a shining city on a hill.  A castle.  A grail.

“Is it a mirage?”

No.  It is, in fact, a place to eat and rest.

We fall upon it like castaways on a toasted bagel with cream cheese.

Menus and signs are everywhere, and they have pictures of pizza on them.  “I wonder if they’re really serving pizza this early,” I say.  “I was thinking the same thing,” Carrie says.  It is 9a.m.  We order, get on the Internet, I click to electronically sell the big, beautiful house I’ve owned for almost two years, and at 9:30 we’re each hoovering up a medium pizza.

Only later does it occur to me that I didn’t even read the closing documents on my house.  I just clicked.

We spent over an hour there, and then we were off.  We were nearly run over by a small herd of cattle, including a feisty little bull whose head had been tied to his right leg, so that he ran with a misleadingly submissive ducking motion.  Then we were into the eucalyptus trees, and then we came upon another hill.  Mom has not yet seen a hill that didn’t elicit a groan from her.

I felt my pack pulled backward.  I looked back and saw that she had grabbed a loop of it with one of her walking sticks.  “Come on,” she said.  “I carried you around everywhere for nine months.”

I am sure we pass a kilometerstone saying 44 kilometers, and then 45, and then, much, much later, 42.5.  I am hoping this system prevails at dinner, when someone will serve us 12.5 Euros of food and charge us for 10.

“Buen Camino!” we say to some bikers.

“Good way!” they cry back, in English, much as the flirtatious waitress (which kind of has a nice ring to it) in El Acebo, when thanked, had translated directly from the Spanish de nada to sing, “Nothing!”

Bone-Tired and Shaky

My legs are bone-tired.  But Mom is worse off.  There are more hills.  “Look,” she says, holding out her hand.  “I’m shaking.”  Indeed she is.  We ponder why it is and she walks some more, stops.  Holds up her shaking hand.  She tries to walk some more, stops, trying to catch her breath.  “I can call a taxi,” I say.  She shakes her head.

“You slept terribly,” I remind her, “and didn’t eat much for Second Breakfast.  And no First Breakfast.  Let’s get you something to eat.  I think Carrie has a banana.”  Carrie did have a banana.

In Arzúa, we opt for another hostel, so we can have our own rooms and get some sleep – and rest even when not sleeping.  I fell asleep on the bed with my laptop on my chest, something about as common, for me, as fainting.

Are we going to make it to Santiago?

Leaving Mercadoiro; Rene the Eagle

Walking, Thinking

In the morning I got an email from someone with whom I have had a challenging business and personal relationship.  This person, Pat, let us say, had just done something with implications against my financial interests, and it contradicted without comment my earlier guidance, was mathematically incorrect and logically flawed, and was not compliant with federal law.  I felt a brief annoyance, and then I found myself, to my surprise, feeling love and compassion.  I even found that I was letting go of the money involved.

This was all at the conscious level.  The conditioned mind, the reactive mind, is not so easily quieted.  Decades of conditioning to anticipate (and sometimes imagine or create) problems would not be so easily undone.  For many kilometers, as we walked in the dark and into the dawn, I watched my mind working through a resolution to the problem.

I think my gift and my burden are often one and the same.  I can see strategically far down the road, see the implications of each possible course of action and response, creatively work out contingency plans, and even start executing on all those plans – but the cost is a mind full of wires and cables and blinking lights and barbells and ropes, not to mention dusty chalkboards and painstakingly handcrafted chess sets.

So I would note the moon, nearly full overhead, and Venus next to it, and the mist rising off the farmland, and the shadows of the trees around us, and then I would notice that my mind had, without so much as a by-your-leave, gone back to gnawing at its little nut.  But damned if it wasn’t making progress.  Over the next few hours, it had formulated an entire email response – though the mind – choose your metaphor — fueled by the energy of the relationship, or stuck in old neural pathways or addictive dynamics, went through a great deal of unnecessary repetition.  Perversely, it was mindless.

And the solution came at the cost of my being fully present to what was going on around me.  It’s neither possible nor desirable to be always fully present; sometimes we have to think, analyze, plan.  The problem is when we keep planning and thinking long beyond what’s necessary, with increasingly diminishing returns.

I was also thinking of how to ensure I would be able to sign the closing documents on my house, in Bend, Oregon, while walking through increasingly rural Spain.  I mulled over the situation.  The closing was on Friday.  I needed to make an electronic signature on the closing documents.  This required Internet access.  But I knew I had to be running low on Internet.  Vodafone was unable to tell me how much Internet I had left, so I was conserving all I could, and by now had stopped using the Vodafone USB dongle (a vaguely obscene term) entirely.  What if the Vodafone ran out even as I logged on to find out when the documents could come?  What if, as in two towns already, Vodafone got no reception at all?  Could it screw up the entire deal?

Every day we walk almost due west, and mostly before noon.  If the sun is behind us or slightly to the left, we are on the right path.  If it’s more to the left side, then we are either late or we are off-course, going too far to the south.  I have a farmer’s tan with an emphasis on my neck and left side.

I thought of Julio, and how he said his English colleagues in London would take him golfing with them, and how he’d throw his clubs for yards.  A good walk spoiled indeed!  I would pay serious money to see Julio golf, or rather not-golf.

Galicia has few towns and almost no cities so far on the Camino.  There are no churches to duck into.  There are no water fountains that look as if they’d been there for centuries because, so far, there are none at all.  The albergues often have no Internet.  The Galicians along the Camino seem to have concealed their grocery stores from the prying eyes of pilgrims trying to save money or diversify their diet; we still have not seen one.  Galicia is just a different ball game.

When I was a freshman in high school, and still barely over five feet tall, our tallest teacher, Mr. Unzicker, had sidled up to me in the hallway as I walked.  “Geez,” he said, “you take some pretty big steps for such a little guy.”  I’ve always walked quickly.  I suppose I thought I had a lot of ground to cover, and no time to waste.

Now I walk slowly, for the first time in my life, because I have no choice.  I must walk at the pace of my companions.  Surely it’s been good for me not to feel competitive with other walkers.  We are always falling behind or getting passed.  From this uncharacteristic position I walk, and not only that, I walk without checking a cell phone.

On occasion, a very rare occasion, an attractive single woman passes, and, startlingly, she is permitted to walk ahead unmolested.  In the same way that you can discern signals in a dream that tell you that you are dreaming, this is how I know I’m not in real life.

Walking With Passion

I thought of the man who was walking with his daughter’s ashes.  Now there is a purpose.  He is said to cover 75 kilometers a day, which, at the punishing pace Julio and I have set on a few occasions, would take him at least 10.5 hours of pure walking per day, not counting water, food, or equipment breaks.  Thirteen hours a day, minimum, is probably more realistic.

I’m not a father, but I wonder if, when he walks, he imagines, like the phantom memory of an amputated limb, a slight weight on his shoulders, imagines holding in his hands the buckled leather shoes of a four-year-old girl as she squeals with delight and wraps her hands around his head.  And if that is what fuels him.

Rene

We walked for many kilometers with Rene, a German massage therapist who hailed from near Leipzig, Germany.  I asked him why he was on the Camino.  “Because,” he said in German, “I have a goal but I don’t have the way.”  His goal, he said, was to open a therapy center that employed massage, shiatsu, music, crystals, and the like.  It was hard to get a loan, he said.  Germany was not that progressive.

Mom and Rene chatted in German.  I walked ahead to let my reactive mind burble along in its way.  Besides, it was too early in the morning for German.  You have to be very alert to be able to wait until the end of a very long sentence for the verb to arrive, at last, so that you can piece together what has just been said by dropping in the last, critical piece of the puzzle.

Rene had been married for 14 years before divorcing three years ago.  Not long ago, his former wife had died.  He was still very sad about this.  He said he felt very guilty; if he hadn’t left, she might not have died.  Mom was surprised to hear this from a professional healer.  Didn’t he know that you can’t take responsibility for the choices people make, or for everything that happens to them?  Not anymore than you can spend your energy resenting someone, which is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.  He said he’d been helped by talking to Mom.  “You meet everyone for a reason,” he said.

Portomarín

We crossed a very wide river bed to Portomarín.  Two bridges ran side-by-side.  One was perhaps twelve feet above the river bed.  It looked almost Roman in its antiquity, though I’d read bridges over the river had been destroyed and rebuilt many times over the last thousand years.  The other bridge, the one on which we walked, must have been 150 feet above the river.  It was a great, white modern span, with a two-lane road, and from its walkway it was dizzying to look down at the moving water.  We ducked into Portomarín and then found a short-cut that didn’t take us all the way through town, and soon we were climbing on a dirt and rock path for many kilometers.

At times we came upon smells that would have decimated Napoleon’s armies.

After about 9 kilometers we stopped at a stone picnic table for Second Breakfast:  bread, butter, jam, cookies, apple, red pepper, water, chocolate milk.

Mom peppers her speech now with longing for these

“I’m going to miss these red peppers,” Mom said.  “They’re sweet, as juicy as a fruit, and big.  Lots of vitamins.  It’s going to be hard to go back to those pale imitations we get from Mexico or California or wherever.”

I had to admit they were good.  I actually saved my slices for dessert, eating them after the cookies.  They were better than apples.

The Eagle

Ventas de Narón, Wednesday.  Mom finagled me a massage from Rene.  We were sitting on the patio in the albergue (also 10 Euros, but without any amenities).  Rene asked where I hurt.  No place in particular, I said.

He turned and looked at me not unlike an eagle examining a rabbit.  His eyes are dark, and arresting.  I looked back at him a while, waiting to see what he would say or do, or if his expression would change.  For several long moments he looked at me, and then said, in German and to my mother, “I sense some deep-seated problems.  I think I might be able to do something.  I’m just not sure where they are yet.”  He walked away to collect the tools of his trade.

“See?” Mom said.  “He’s already able to see the deep-seated problems.”

“Mom,” I said, “it’s like a horoscope or palm reading.  You can’t go wrong saying someone has deep-seated problems.”

When he came back, I told him all the places I’d had physical problems, going way back.  Shinsplints (high school track).  Hamstrings (college track and rugby, law school flag football).  Ruptured disk in the neck (Department of Justice desk-sitting).  Recently, my left hip flexor.  He said he would have guessed Tourette’s.  Around the time I got engaged, I said, my lower back gave out, painfully.

That, he said, was “existential”.  From the lower back, that was a message:  Be careful!

If he looks long enough, he said, he can also see shadows.

Shadows? I said.  Like in the aura?

No.  The aura folds around the body, but the shadows just lay on the body, and they get darker as he looks.  Examining me again with his direct gaze, he looked suddenly displeased, knitting his dark brows together as if he’d seen a roach on my left shoulder.

He asked my mother, “What is his sun sign?”

Wasserman,” she said.  Aquarius.  (Literally, as German is, “waterman”).

“Always striving to be the best,” he said.  “That’s normal,” he added.  He asked my rising sign.

“Scorpio.”

“Ohhh!”  He looked up into the air, as if confused or distressed.

He told my mother he was going to say something, a single sentence, and that I should not be offended.  I waited, and then she translated.

“High grandeur,” he said, “comes before a fall.”  He went on.  “Aquarius is good, but through the Scorpio, well, it’s always a little poisonous and toxic, and can lash out.  From a high position, it’s easy to use the barb.  But the Wasserman,” he said to Mom, “will always keep him in a high position.”

“But I have been depressed,” I said.  “It’s not like I’ve lived my whole life in a high position.”

“It can be worse when depressed,” he said.  “Believe me.  I’m a Pisces, carrying a Ram ascending.”

He regarded me typing all this up as we spoke.  “The Aquarius is the highest possible in the working field.  Nothing better.  Because the Aquarius carries all the other signs within itself as far as doing is concerned.”

“I wish that translated to serious money,” I joked.

Geduld,” he said.  Patience.  “They’re just the best at work.  That’s why,” he said to Mom, “he’s so good on his computer.”

We spread a blanket on one of the stone tables nearby, I lay on my stomach, and he set to work on my back and shoulders and neck.  He was very good.  He had asked me earlier how I liked massages and I’d said I liked them as painful as possible.  So he was firm.

“Oh,” he said.  He was on my right shoulder and upper back.  “This is your work.  But I think the other side will be worse.  That’s the divorce.  Women.  Love.”

He said I worried too much about money.  It took an enormous amount of energy.  I agreed.  Sometimes I think I’d have earned a hell of a lot more money if I’d worried less about doing so.  “You don’t have to worry.  It will come.  It is taken care of.  You are protected.”

I laughed.  Wouldn’t it be pretty to think so?

He worked on me some more.  “He expects too much from love,” he told my mother, who was standing nearby.  “Love comes, love goes.”

I asked him how he could go about defining the deeper problem.  “I would need to talk to you more,” he said.  He suspected it had to do with childhood.  “But that’s normal,” he added.  For me, he said, it had to do with sicherheit – security.  “You need to live for you.  Not for everyone else first.  You first.  If you don’t do that, you are not good for anyone else.  You need to pause – you understand pause?”

“Yes.”

When we were done, he nodded at me.  “At night,” he said, “it will start to work.”

Later, after he gave Carrie a massage too, he walked over and looked Mom intently in the eyes.  Then he came around and did the same to me.  “You are an old soul,” he said to Mom.  “Him, not so much.  I mean, not very young, but not so old, either.”  Rene said he was an old soul too.

This annoyed me.  If there was such a thing as an old soul, everything I had been given and chosen to believe had said I was one of them.  My soul was one of the best, most advanced, state-of-the-art souls.

Which I suppose just proves how young it is.

Not long after the massage, Rene caught me on my laptop again.  He looked displeased, and repeated that I needed to pause and not work so much.  I felt self-conscious even bringing my notebook to dinner.  After that I had to hide my labors from him as a child hides porn from a parent.

We offered to pay him.  “No,” he said.  “I get something out of it, too.  That’s my payment.”  We tried to buy him dinner and wine, but he only wanted salad and he doesn’t drink.  He frowned and shook his head ostentatiously as the waitress read off the dessert choices to us.  He told us, skinny, close-cropped Rene, that he had once weighed 90 kilograms (198 pounds) and had hair almost to his waist.  This was because he was a biker and a heavy-metal aficionado, and he used to dress like it.  He was still shocked that when he went to New York, in 1998, dressed up in his leather biker gear and hard-core t-shirts, with his long hair, people stared at him.  “In New York!” he kept repeating.  “A world city!”  People had asked what band he was in.

Having been a biker, he said, had also made him a couch potato.  He had never before walked farther than he could throw his helmet, and now he was paying for it:  every day, as I saw, he lay in bed for two to three hours after his walk, letting his sore bones recover.  He particularly liked heavy-metal ballads, especially those of a Texas band called Wasp.  Had we heard of them?

No.

He found a song on his iPod and gave me the earphones.  I smiled through my pain, nodding vigorously at him.  I guessed that his limited English didn’t let him hear the lyrics as they really were.  I couldn’t account for his admiration of the vocals and the guitar.  There’s no accounting for tastes, and all bad art is sincere.

We thanked him profusely and the next morning we were gone before he awoke.  He passed us in the mid-morning but did not tarry.

Inge – Rabanal to Mercadoiro and the Iron Cross

Rabanal

Someone told us that in the small church in the village there would be Gregorian chanting. Carrie and I started out in a small church, but after we’d sat there for ten minutes without anyone coming, we figured we must be in the wrong church. Sure enough, here came Barbara to tell us the right spot. The other church was sad and dilapidated.

In most places, they would have closed it for fear the ceiling would fall down. Pamphlets in multiple languages were passed around, but the thirty-minute service was in Latin. The monk sang and the congregation answered. I know it’s all a ritual, but it wasn’t bad, and I loved hearing Cameron with that sing-song.

Four pilgrims said a short prayer, each one in a different language, and that was that. I told Carrie she’d receive extra credit for Latin.

We went to bed fairly early and there was only one snorer. When I went over to the kitchen at six-thirty, the stars were brilliant and plentiful. A lovely sight, as we hardly ever get to see them like that.

Up to the Cross

We started walking at close to eight, and it was almost dawn. We had to wear several layers of clothes, and I wore my wool shawl that I’d gotten in Venice. Crisp and cold, but walking was good. Except my nose was running continuously. We went past old stone houses in tiny villages, stepping back through time and centuries.

The sun came up, huge and brilliant in orange and yellow. As we walked, we saw gorgeous green hills, unspoiled, untouched. So much space, it seemed to go on for hundreds of miles and one could see to the end. Here came the mountain, and up we went. Not as steep as the Pyrenees, but pretty close. The scenery well made up for it, and at times this beauty took my breath away. I tried not to concentrate too hard on the cross and what I would do.

Cameron asked me what I’d do and I told him I’d just let it happen. As I was looking around, I did wonder on what hilltop it would be.

Stony path and much steeper then. A hard way to walk. Cameron would walk behind me, urging me on, giving me some of his energy again. Then some way off, I saw it. A frog had taken up residence in my throat lately, long enough to name it: Timothy. At the cross I saw dots of colors, red, blue, yellow, white, and green. Bicyclists stood at the foot of this cross. I slowed a bit, not wanting to have a whole audience. Cameron had asked what else I would say or ask for.

I said that I would pray for my daughter, so that she would have the courage to create a better life for herself, and thus be able to have the peace that she so craves. I would pray for my grand-daughter, that she would know the difference between a good time and disaster, and that responsibility doesn’t make a person sick. I would pray for my son, so that he could let go of childhood hurts, and be content and successful. I would pray for my grandson Dylan, that he would find his path, in spite of the troubled past. And for Kaleb, that he would keep going and that no matter what he did it would be all right.

I would pray for my niece Fiona, of course, so she wouldn’t be so terrified of getting cancer again, and could enjoy life and do fun things. For my sister, so she could have some time for life as well. A little prayer and blessing for Carrie, and then a prayer for my friends and other people who are important in my life.

I sensed that Cameron was getting emotional too, because he kept cheering me on. I was afraid to turn around for fear of starting to cry. I had to let go of all that regret of not being able to do a do-over. He asked me if I remembered that he’d written in social studies the person he admired most, and I said yes, happily recounting that memory, that this was in fourth grade and most of the other children had chosen to write “Luke Skywalker” or something. Under “My Hero is . . .” he’d written “My Mom”.

And then after that, he said, “Schiab’st a bissl’”, and I said, “Oh, Oma’s here,” and he said, “She’s been here all along.”

We arrived at the bottom of the stone pile. Into my head came the name montagne misère. The cross was tall, into the blue sky. The first third was covered with lots of different stuff that people had attached to it all the way around. T-shirts in all colors, a bicycle helmet, and plastic flowers. Buttons, ribbons, pictures, and cards.

Things left behind at the Cross

I took my rock and my PET scan picture out of my backpack and went up. I fell to my knees and offered this tumor. I remembered the pilgrim I had met the day before, for just a few minutes, not speaking any language in common, but he’d said, insha’Allah, which is Arabic for “as God wills”. And that’s what I was thinking as I lifted the tumor up. Not in English, not anything Catholic, just insha’Allah.

I was not going to demand, but to ask with grace. Then I just started to cry. Covered my face, and got up. I buried the picture between two rocks and left it there. I was still trying to formulate prayers for all the other people in my life. Cameron came at one point and put his arm around me, crying too. Thus we stood.

Carrie and Mom at the Cruz de Ferro

Walking off the hill, there stood Carrie, crying too. And then she went up and left her stone. When she came down and stood there, with tears running down her face, I folded her up in a big hug. We spent a little more time, quiet, solemn, and then went on.

The path away from the cross was really nice — wide and smooth, and I remarked that this could be indicative of our “new beginning”.

I had visualized the tumor just hanging by the kind of thread a spider would make, and as we walked I saw the tumor fall, lying on the camino ground as a dried-up mass.

On we went, through more beautiful, vast, and green countryside. Up a long hill, down the same long hill, and I was sure they’d moved Acebo another ten kilometers. Surely we had walked 16 already? This was the middle of nowhere, and nothing, except hills and a wide expanse of land. Far away, I saw a few rooflines. Finally we made our way to the village.

El Acebo

Another alpine look, with a small road through the town, and typical slate-and-stone houses on both sides of the road. There was the albergue, and we were soooo hungry. Immediately, we got our credentials stamped and ordered lunch. Me: bean soup, and some sort of meat dish. Cameron and Carrie got an odd-looking concoction, a little sack filled with odds and ends — bones and cartilage? A chorizo sausage sitting on the side, potatoes, garbanzo beans, and cabbage.

My dessert was pineapple and syrup right out of the can, with that distinctive tinny taste (do they think it can’t be tasted?). We went upstairs to our dormitory to choose our beds and shower. Only two toilets for 50 people. I was so ready for a nice, hot shower after that long and dusty road. We went to the store, the only one, bought a few groceries for the next day’s journey. Then Carrie lost her little wallet.

Later, at dinner, the waitress was really glad to see Cameron. She was delighted to explain the wine, even brought the chef out to consult. She touched his shoulder, his arm, and smiled, and flirted. Carrie and I were so amused. She didn’t touch us!

We ordered a different dinner. I ate the same soup and a vegetarian plate, with lemon mousse for dessert. Cameron remarked that if he’d had any love handles, he’d have lost them by now. I said, “Me too.” Carrie said, without missing a beat, “All I lost was my wallet.”

She’d even gone back to the store to check again. I told her not to worry. Went to bed, read a bit, and slept most of the night. No snoring.

Got up to use the toilet. No water to flush??? Too tired to deal with it. Went back to sleep. Woke up again when the guy in the next bed left at 5a.m. Took my thyroid pill (lost Lipitor somewhere near St. Jean along with my self-inflating pillow). It’s very difficult to take medication on this trip. But I miss my pillow. Bathroom again, still no water. Wow. They turn it off at night! None for brushing teeth.

I went downstairs to use that bathroom. No water. I went to the clothes sinks, and sure enough that worked to brush my teeth. And had hot water, even though when I washed my clothes the day before it had only cold water. (I left my beloved cup there!) I looked up at the star-lit sky and it was beautiful. So many, and so clear. I wished I would have brought my jacket, I’d have stayed for awhile.

At 7:45 we went down to have coffee before setting out. Nice walk, with pastel skies, and I felt good and capable. Carrie said, “You’re hoofing it this morning!” I said I was like a horse out of the chute. Then came the hills. Up a rocky one, hard, and down steep, long rocks. Stopped after a couple of hours to eat our makeshift breakfast. When we reached Monte-something, we stopped for coffee. Another picturesque place. What a great day, and fabulous weather, still.

The walking was going well, and through pretty little places. Then my toe started up. I changed shoes. After a while, I felt a lot of pressure, and had to take my sandal off, limping into Ponferrada on my sock, with my shoe in hand. We may stay somewhere other than the albergue to sleep in for once, as we have to take the bus once again for a few miles.

Sarria

No idea what day or date it is, but here we are, in the historic section of town and the albergue. No kitchen to speak of, and some people slathered on enough Ben-Gay to gag a maggot. I couldn’t sleep anymore after that. I sneezed several times and got up.

Started at eight, it was still dark, but the countryside was exquisite. Fauna and flora, green meadows with dew and tall trees. The enchanted forest. And around a corner, guess what?

A steep climb.

This one is for Fiona, I said to myself. My niece. We saw a huge, strange-shaped tree, but it’s too dark for a good picture. Up I pant, and finally, the top, and glorious sunrise. I sang, “Oh, what a beautiful morning / Oh, what a beautiful day.” And it truly was. What a magnificent jewel – Galicia.

It’s green and orange. It’s abundant, with so much different foliage. The sky is deep blue, the berries are red, like Colorado, and we are amazed and grateful for our good weather this whole trip.

My toes were down to a mere little whimper, and I really enjoyed this walk today. “It warms my heart,” I said.

“The whole trip warms mine,” Carrie replied.

How special she has become to us, how very special she is, to take this hardship on. But all of us are so glad we are here.

I feel a great sense of well-being. I said so, and Cameron took a picture. 100 kilometers, I read people start to get emotional. I started to be emotional. I find myself in tears at any given moment. But the latest may be due to this wonderful music at the Mercadoiro albergue, played by two Catalans.

We got a great hydro-shower, blasting out of many faucets, and then a free washing machine. Loved this spot, and then had conversation with a few more Germans.

Sarria to Mercadoiro to Ventas de Naron

Part 1:  Food on the Camino

Monday.  We’re in Sarria now.  I have before me a bottle of wine that did not cost extra and has no label.  This makes me very nervous.  This time the “espaghetti bolonaise” came in the form of penne pasta tubes.  I think the Camino Spanish have some confusion about what spaghetti is and how spaghetti is made in Bologna, and I propose a fact-finding mission to Italy be scheduled by a team of qualified Spanish culinary and scientific experts.

I wonder how many Spaniards per year name their sons Jamón.  I would not be surprised by any answer but this one:  “fewer than sixty”.  In the United States, I remember reading of two girls who had been named Orangelo and Lemongelo (the “gelo” instead of “Jello”, I assume, to avoid actual trademark infringement).  This is child abuse.

I’ve been to Madrid, Bilbao, Pamplona, and Barcelona, among other Spanish cities.  I know that they do have restaurants.  But the cafe-bar, especially on the Camino, has a distinctive kind of menu.  I wouldn’t claim that a 500-mile walk through the rural United States would yield a greater diversity and creativity in the food, so what I say here applies only to the cafe-bar on the Camino — which is to say, to just about every place you can find to eat for over a month.

The menu del dia along the Camino de Santiago usually comes with a first plate, a second plate, dessert, and your choice of wine or water.  It costs between 8.50 and an occasional high of 12 Euros – usually 9 or 10.  The choice of first plate is invariably one of the following:

The Camino notion of spaghetti Bolognese, which somehow does not involve a tomato, or even, necessarily, spaghetti.

Ensalada mixta, mixed salad, which is lettuce, a few slices of tomato, and a scoop of tuna – even when the menu does not mention tuna, it comes with tuna.  A cucumber, tomato, Caesar, arugula, beet, mushroom, pea, bacon bit, corn, spinach, or any other type of salad is not possible.

Other options are jamón and cheese, jamón and tuna, eggs and bacon, and eggs and jamón.

The second plate offers a choice of fish – cod (bacalao), usually – or grilled chicken.  Sometimes beef, or another type of fish.

Dessert can be flan, yogurt, some kind of cake (tarta), and only occasionally ice cream.

In Sarria, I go to the bar to pay and the proprietress reminds me that dessert was included.  Yogurt or flan.  I shrug and order the flan.  She reaches into a refrigerator and takes out a small white plastic carton of the sort yogurt comes in.  Right in front of me, she peels open the lid and turns the carton upside-down on a coffee saucer, allowing the flan to slide out.  Then she presents me with my dessert.

So far I have seen no to-go coffee in Spain.  Not a single Starbucks, not even in Bilbao, Pamplona, Burgos, or Leon.  The Spanish seem to hold to the charming creed that a person who intends to drink coffee should simply drink coffee, rather than drinking coffee while also doing one to five other things.  A Zenmaster would approve.

At the Bar Morgade, at kilometer 99.5, I had an empanada Gallega, or Galician tuna pie.  It wasn’t bad, but would have been greatly improved by cheese and grilling.  I also ate huevos con bacon, because the Spanish eat fried eggs and omelettes all day long.

Part 2:  Language in Modern Spain

I have collected a half-dozen different Spanish lessons on CD or podcast, and, since my arrival, have faithfully listened to virtually none of it.  (I also imagined that I’d listen to audiobooks on my long, presumably boring walks.  Never once has the urge struck me).  One of the Spanish courses, when I bought it in 1993, had long been used by the Department of State’s Foreign Service officers.  It has quaint phrases like “Deme la pluma,” or “Give me the quill pen”.  But I need something for a modern country, a member of the European Union in the year 2011.  What I could use in modern Spain are phrases like the following:

Do you have Internet?

No, it doesn’t work.

Do you have wi-fi?

This also doesn’t work.

Dear Orange, What do you mean by the slogan “Internet Everywhere”?  Because it doesn’t actually work.  Anywhere.  Ever.  Not for a minute. 

Is there a Thai, Indian, Chinese, German, Mexican, Japanese, or French restaurant in the area?

Dear Vodafone,

Your retail staff in Bilbao doesn’t know how your Internet service works.  Or your cell phones.  Could a shoe salesman have gotten into one of your retail stores?  Your Internet-access interface says I can click to find out my balance.  But it doesn’t work.  It also says I can recharge on the Internet.  But the link doesn’t work.  When I find the right page on my own, the form doesn’t work.  The error messages are alternately incorrect, nonsensical, or unhelpful.  In other words, they don’t work.  No one responds to my help requests.  Does anyone, I wonder, at your company work?

Part 3:  Sarria

The municipal albergue in Sarria was one of the least pleasant we’ve seen.  (The taxi driver had dropped us off there; in the morning we walked past half a dozen visibly nicer albergues).  Each floor’s beds were all bunked around a triangular, all-glass airshaft that enabled anyone trying to sleep to hear the noise and see the light of pilgrims on all the other floors.  There was no Internet.  The kitchen was tiny, and shared space with the washing machines.  There was one outlet, in the hallway by the bathroom.  Competition for it was fierce.

In the albergues, I have seen a number of things I would rather not have seen, usually in the nature of older Europeans without sufficient cladding.  In Sarria, as all the pilgrims on our floor quietly prepared for bed just before lights-out, a fiftyish Spanish couple arrived at their bunks, speaking loudly.  The generously proportioned woman stripped to a shirt and her panties and lay on her stomach, and the man began to vigorously rub a cream of overpowering scent into the backs of her ample legs.

This went on for some time.

Then they hung a towel from the top bunk so as to obscure the bottom bunk, and our uxurious husband climbed in with his creamed-up wife and they yakked late into the night, indifferent to Mom’s attempts to hush them.

Part 4:  Into the Cabbage Groves of Galicia

The Camino ends in the capital of Galicia, Santiago de Compostela (“St. James of the Field of Stars”), and the Camino as a pilgrimage was originally a Galician tradition.  (This was before the kings of Navarra and Castilla and Leon realized how much revenue could be raised from pilgrims, most of them from France.)  The Galicians have placed milestones, so to speak, every half a kilometer on the Way, so that pilgrims can count down the distance to Santiago.  These have been defaced almost beyond legibility by people’s names, messages to one another, and relationship status.  (Almost all are in Spanish).

I had understood Sarria to be a neat 100 kilometers away from Santiago, but the morning found

Camino Kilometerstones -- and more discarded boots

us walking by a restaurant that called itself “Kilometer 111”.  Uh-oh.  Mom’s ailments tell her she can do 16 kilometers a day, but not 19 or 20.  We’ll have to figure out how to make up this difference and still make Santiago in time.

Mom said she’d read that pilgrims walk more slowly in Galicia, perhaps because it’s so beautiful and they don’t want it to end.  The beginning of our walk was not so promising.  The smell of fresh animal dung as we left Sarria was strong enough to be detected in outer space.  We passed a curious Galician custom we would see repeated in every village thereafter:  cemeteries that looked like a blend of mausoleum (tall concrete structures) and morgue (small doors, three high, into which coffins, or ashes, were slid).

Once we got into the country, the day became simply magical.  We were back in the trees,

Galicia

and we wound our way through one small farm after another.  Mist rose from the fields, seemingly without source, for we could see no rivers or ponds nearby.  We crossed quaint stone bridges spanning tiny trickling creeks.  And the smells!  We breathed in not just astringent, bracing cow dung but loam and the leaves of autumn, the sweetly pungent smell of sorghum, woodsmoke, and pig farms capable of being detected from universes parallel to our own.  Cabbage was cultivated in what could only be called cabbage trees – six-foot stalks with the eating end at the very top.

Soon we began to climb, and the landscape became even more storybook.  The small farms

Galician Farmland

spread across gently undulating hills, with ever more hills in the distance, and were bounded by mile upon mile of walls made of carefully stacked stones emptied from the fields themselves.  The houses themselves were made of the same stones, all found in nearby fields.  Mile after mile we could smell the sorghum, and sometimes we could see the plastic tarps that covered it up.  German Shepherds could be seen in most farms, apparently the Galician guard dog of choice.  Roosters crowed nearby.

And then there were the slender, elevated buildings near many of the stone homes in the country, standing on foundations about five feet off the ground, six feet tall, ten feet long, three feet wide.  Were they for hens?  Some were topped by stone crosses and even had

A corncrib that's seen better days

inscriptions:  were they mausoleums?  Or, as a German maintained, for bees?  My guidebook said many houses had next to them something called “corncribs,” which raised more questions than it answered.

“The sky!  The sky!” I could hear Mom saying to herself.  It was yet another perfect day.  “My cells are loving this!” she said.

Mom and Me

Carrie was going to take a picture of Mom and me walking side by side.  I put my hand on her back and began to walk.  “Are you in there?” she said.  “I don’t feel you.”  I understood what she meant, and I visualized light flowing from myself, down my arm, and out my palm into her back.  “Oh!” she said.  “I see a big blue light!  It’s like a . . . what’s the word?  An aureole.”

I don’t know what to make of this.  I can’t say I believe it in the sense that such a belief would matter – belief matters only when and to the extent it affects behavior, as we may see by watching the uninspired conduct of many of the super-religious and god-fearing.  If I really believed what people say about my energy then I suppose I’d spend all my time visualizing myself healing people, starting with Mom.  Which I don’t do, obviously.

At times we walked in a sort of bounded walkway ten feet across, with stone walls three to five feet high on either side of us.  For long stretches the rock walls were covered in ivy,

Path in Galicia, after Sarria

and the stone itself invisible.  The path itself was impassable by car, and we had to pick our way carefully over the uneven stones.  I’ve never seen such byways on any farm, or anywhere.

“Who put all these rocks in our path?” a German woman joked.

“That’s what I’d like to know, too,” Mom responded, also in German.

We did, I thought.  God did.  Does it matter?  They’re still there.

Part 5:  Pilgrims Have Increased by 20% Since This Book’s Publication

I have been asking pilgrims a simple question:  “Why are you on the Camino?”  Quite a few Germans say it’s because they read a best-selling book, first published in 2001, by a well-known German comedian.  This is a disappointing answer.  The book itself, at least as translated into English, seems to me incapable of inspiring one even to finish it, much less to walk 500 miles.  Even Mom complains that it’s boring.

I asked one German, “Is it good in German?  Because in English it’s not funny at all.  It doesn’t have any fresh observations, or information about the locations, which you sort of expect from travel writing.”

“We know the author,” the man told me.  “It’s interesting if you know him.  We can hear his voice.”

Over three million copies sold.  Either the English translation was doing the author a great disservice or his readers were doing all the work.

Part 6:  La Bodeguina in Mercadoiro

Mercadoiro Albergue - Our Favorite So Far

Tuesday.  We reach Mercadoiro.  The La Bodeguina albergue costs a princely 10 Euros (about $13.30), but it has a patio with tables, a large yard with picnic tables, and a superb view, as well as a lounge-like room and free wi-fi.  A single laptop is available for surfing, in exchange for a donation that we see no one pay.  The bathrooms and showers are all new.  The showers even have six hydro-massage heads that can be angled to effect stimuli from the thighs to the chest.

The menu has more variety than we’ve seen, and the entire operation is run by two men, one of whom speaks English, and other of whom is simply very helpful.

However.  The menu showed a picture of an assortment of sliced fruit beautifully arrayed in a bowl.

“Son las frutas fresco?” I asked, hoping that meant, Are the fruits fresh?

“Si,” he said.  But the kitchen was not open, he explained.  Then he shrugged and went into the kitchen.  Amazing!  He was going to get me something to eat anyway.  I was feeling very grateful.

He returned with a bowl of canned peaches in sugary syrup.

There are more flies in Spain than in the rest of the world combined.  This is called a hypothesis.  I now ask graduate students from around the world to prove me wrong.

The downsides of the albergue:  for perhaps 50 people, it had two bathrooms, each containing a toilet sans privacy and two showers.

Part 7:  Mom and Food, Part 27

Mom tried to buy bread this morning, in a small shop, and was told it was reserved.  “All of it?” she asked, incredulous, pointing to the array of bread.  Yes.  All.  Reserved.

Wednesday.  In Ventas de Naron, Mom and I were sitting at an outdoor table, reading.  She wanted to know how to ask what time dinner was.  I told her.  She practiced it a few times before she pulled out her notebook and pen.  “This is an important sentence,” she explained.  She got up to go to the café.

“And if she says seven-thirty, I’m going to slap her.”

El Acebo to Ponferrada: More Jamón and What I Miss

Snore Journal. There was no sawing last night, only a light filing. Mom and I both got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, but the water was off. I had a devilish headache and I was cold. My pillow was so hard and so thick that it was like trying to lay my head against a wall. I couldn’t sleep. In the morning I felt sick. Was it the wine I had drunk at dinner? But I had drunk a lot of water, too, and not that much wine. Mom thought it was the prior day’s exposure to sun, and, indeed, the first time I got sick on this trip had followed a day of high exposure. What’s more, though I used to be unaffected by altitude, that began to change about ten years ago, and we were nearly a mile high the day before.

The usual banging, clanging, zipping pilgrims were at it again. Sometimes it’s good that I don’t know which language pilgrims speak, or how to speak it. Because I want to say, you know, “Really?” Which doesn’t translate into anything.

One pilgrim had taken the bunk above me late in the evening. I never saw him, or her. This pilgrim was in fetal position, head and face covered, trying to deny the reality of the noisome day. Remembering how cold I’d been the night before, I covered the person up with my blanket. Then we left.

We made a small circle around El Acebo in the morning. An albergue had trickily painted the same yellow arrow to lead pilgrims to it, and we followed it long enough to realize that it made no sense. When we got in the right trail, we could see the lights of Ponferrada and its neighboring communities far below. Today would be one long descent.

We walked opposite a line of hills to our left that looked like smoothly sloping rocks

Morning, West of El Acebo

bearing green, orange, and yellow lichen. The patches of trees interrupted by open spaces also gave the hills the look of worn suede. In between these hills, many miles away, and us, there were many velvety arroyos, folds in the earth, also ablaze with fall colors.

The signage in the last few stages of the Camino has not been as good as in the Basque Country. There, the yellow arrows, concrete markers, and cairns were frequent and visible. Frequent signs also indicated how far the upcoming towns were. Not so on this side of Castilla.

The bananas here have thick peels, and even when the peels are fully yellow the bananas are much firmer.

Our noses are all running again. Mom takes out a tissue every few minutes, until she runs out of tissues. She recommends them to me, along with what she thinks may be the benefit of their menthol aroma. But my thumb, placed over a nostril, is far more efficient, not to mention satisfying. Without using a single tissue, I clear my nostrils without even slowing down. Of course, the single-nostril blow is not available to women. That would be disgusting.

At around 8:30 we passed through a tiny village where I engaged in a call and response with several very tardy roosters. Judging from the performances they turned in, they were the understudies. We stopped in the town square. I took a picture of a dog on one of the three-foot micro-leashes favored by some Spaniards. (Later, we’d find a dog in its “yard” – perched on a little ledge between the bars on a window opening and the window itself). Mom sat down to work on her toe bandages. “I really don’t like feet,” she said.

At nine o’clock we left the shade cast by the mountains behind us and walked into the sunlight. We stopped to sit on slate near a tree, in the cold, and had Second Breakfast.

As we neared Ponferrada, we came upon a group of Dutch women contemplating their guidebook. “It says there is a shortcut of 1.8 kilometers,” they said, adding a new and exciting dimension to the concept of going Dutch. “Somewhere to the right.”

We came upon two Spaniards who were consulting their map for different reasons. The older one dropped his stick and I bent down to pick it up. “No, no, no!” he said, indicating his younger companion, a man in his fifties.

“He’s your step’n’fetchit?” I asked.

“Yes, of course,” he said. Mom explained that the Dutch behind us had said there was a shortcut. We consulted the man’s map without success. Mom suggested we ask a dark-haired woman coming up behind us.

“Not the Italian!” the older man said. “She doesn’t know anything. She’s stopping the cows to ask.”

“Let’s just go,” I said. “We are here to walk.”

The Power of Now

There comes a time during every day’s walk when we are ready to be done with walking. And yet the irrefutable reality is that we are not. So what we want, as Eckhart Tolle would put it, is “more future”. When we want the walk to be over, we want to be in the future, not here and now. And as soon as we want to be somewhere, or somewhen, else, there we are, outside of ourselves, away from the only time there is, which is right now.

So when my feet are sore, I stay with them. I watch the pain with detachment, almost curious, as if the pain and I are separate. I don’t resist. I think of the training in walking meditation I got at a Shambhala Center in Portland. I feel the roll of my foot, the pressure on the heel to mid-sole to the ball. I note the soreness in my hips from carrying the pack. And, strangely, the pain doesn’t hurt as much. It’s just a signal from my body to my mind, but my mind is capable of hearing the signal, as a parent might hear the cry of a child, and decide it’s not bad enough to warrant concern. It’s nothing to indulge in. I don’t need to stop or to sit down.

Ponferrada — on a Sunday

Someone will need to explain to me the Spanish concept of Sunday. My understanding of market economics tells me that if there is demand for, say, food on a Sunday, someone will keep open a restaurant that cooks and sells it, for a profit. But not in Spain. We search for over an hour, walking past hundreds of tables of Spaniards drinking coffee and alcohol, but all we can find are the same bocadillos that have plagued us since the Basque Country. Jamón with queso. Jamón with asparagus. Jamón with octopus. Jamón with comic books. Jamón with tuna. Jamón with jamón. The author of “Forrest Gump” probably relied on a memory of looking at menus in northern Spain when he wrote this dialogue for Pvt. Benjamin Buford ‘Bubba’ Blue:

We finally found a Telepizza®, where Carrie and I ordered oily pizzas and Mom got a previously frozen pasta that had been warmed up for the occasion. “It doesn’t matter,” she shrugged. “I’m starving. As Oma used to say, ‘Der Hunger treibt’s hinein.’” The hunger will chase it in.

We decided to go to a hostel (hostal) rather than the albergue. I had just recently learned that there is a difference beyond translation. An albergueis a dormitory with many beds, like the operating room in “M.A.S.H.” A hostel may have the same, but also offers individual rooms. On the other side of the castle formerly belonging to the Knights

The former castle of the Knights Templar in Ponferrada

Templar, we found the Hostal de San Miguel, and sprang for the 25-Euro single and 39-Euro double.

The private room was just what I needed. It remedied some of what I miss most. I miss a real bed. I carry a heavy pack during the day, and at night I sleep on mattresses that bow beneath me. I miss going to sleep only when I want to, and sleeping as long as I wish. I miss waking up in the morning to silence, and darkness, and not having to get up too, or rush, or listen to fierce zippings and full-throated bellowing in the dark. I didn’t care that the bed was so hard my frame didn’t even dent its surface, or that my feet hung off it, or that there was no trash can or shower curtain. I didn’t even turn on the TV. I don’t miss TV because I haven’t watched it in years. I’m reasonably confident that I won’t say, on my deathbed, “God, I wish I’d caught that fourth episode of ‘Lost and Desperate Housewives of the New Jersey Shore’”.

What I Miss

I miss my car. The M3, that is. I do not miss my Land Rover, the world’s most expensive ski accessory. Let us begin there. In fact, I miss my M3 prospectively, for many months into the future, because it will be parked in Oregon while I live in New Jersey for the foreseeable future.

I miss my zero-gravity chair. It’s a few days from going into storage in Bend, Oregon.

I miss talking to my friends on the phone.

I miss yoga.

I miss my frequent talks with my friend Tedd [sic]. He appeared in a dream I had on Sunday night. In my dream I am explaining to him what he needs to know in order to take over the Camino for me, and to help Mom on my behalf. For some reason that isn’t clear in the dream, or that I have forgotten, in the dream I’m not able to accompany Mom on the rest of the journey. Tedd, committed and devoted friend of mine, has stepped in to take over. I am explaining to him how I attach my camera pack to my waist, and tell him to be sure to take plenty of pictures. Dream-Tedd does not ask me, as Hank the Dutchman did, how the camera pack, which does hang a bit like a codpiece, interacts with my “manhood”, as he put it.

I also miss my friend Adam, even the way he calls from the bathroom for one of his scissors, or a steak knife, because he refuses to buy a proper nose-hair trimmer, or the way he bellows at me from the other room to hurry in and watch him do a push-up.  In another week I will probably even start to miss his near-constant reports on the opening and closing of his pyloric valve.

He instant-messaged me on Skype recently, asking how it was going. Very well, I said. Except for the food.

Cameron: Spaghetti = oil + paprika. Not a hint of tomato sauce.
Cameron: Plates SWIM in oil.
Adam: They do cook a lot of things with olive oil.
Adam: Ponferrada was one of the bases of the ancient Spanish economy, and still an important industry.
Adam: Not many olive trees in northern Spain, but the south is a huge grove of olives.
Cameron: Someone needs to cut them all down.

High Up in El Acebo, We Are Served a Human Heart

Afternoon in El Acebo

In the end, I did not perform much of a ritual myself at the Cruz de Ferro. It takes time to create a meaningful space, or a meaningful moment in time, and I hadn’t invested that time in the Cruz de Ferro. I spent a few minutes mindfully intending to let go of some of the hurt I’d felt in my marriage and, especially, during the divorce, and the guilt and sadness I felt about my own many mistakes, and the hurt they had caused, especially before and during my marriage. And that was all. I did not want to suck from the mountain all the oxygen that my mother needed to breathe.

At first the terrain leading away from the Cruz de Ferra was easy – a slight downhill slope

El Acebo

on compacted white sand bounded by milled lumber. To our left ran a road whose many patches bespoke a great deal of freezing in the winter. Before long, though, we entered an all-downhill, punishing, rocky single-track trail, some of it straight down. Well before we reached El Acebo, Mom was convinced we’d already gone well beyond 16 kilometers.

But no, tiny El Acebo was a 16.7 kilometer hike. It had been hidden for some time, so when we saw it, earlier than expected, some compensation for the more common false summit, we were happily surprised. It sits high up on a small mountain above the valley below, so small, so isolated, that for the first time on the trip my Vodafone USB got no reception.

The village was a typical Camino village: a single road bounded by a few houses, and a handful of albergues and hotels with restaurants attached. We chose the Meson. Mom was ready to eat.

Carrie ordered the Botilla del Bierzo, which on the menu was translated as “pork with paprika”. According to the menu, it was a specialty of the Bierzo area. I ordered the same.

The very nice waitress set down our plates. On it was boiled cabbage, chickpeas, chorizo, and a beating, pulsating, human heart.

At least that’s exactly what it looked like: a heart covered in paprika. Tentatively I set my

The pulsating human heart in El Acebo

knife upon it and began to saw at it. Grudgingly it parted in two, yielding unrecognizable chunks of white (bone marrow?), shards of pig bone, and something that was like, but not quite, meat.

I turned to Mom, the expert, and said, quietly, so that Carrie would not hear, “Could this be organ meat?”

She peered at it. “I have no idea,” she said. “I’ve never seen anything like it. Try it.”

Ha ha. I haven’t fallen for that since my age was counted in the single digits. My German aunt Elfriede, post-mortem benefactress of Mom’s trip here, had once submerged something utterly revolting in some opaque white soup – it may have been tripe – but my boy-sonar had found it effortlessly, and I had refused to touch even the bowl.

“See what it is,” I said to Carrie. “You’ll probably really love it,” I added.

She shook her head. “I’m not touching it.”

Foiled.

Eventually I caught the waitress’ attention. “Perdon,” I said, politely, holding up a single, graceful finger. “Una pregunta.” A question. “What the hell is this?”

Actually, I said, “Que es eso?” What is this?

She pointed to the casing of the heart-thing. “Thees is the tripe,” she said, “and thees” – now pointing at the stuff in the middle, “is from here.” She put her hand on her back. “It is the goats.”

“The goats?”

“Jes,” she said. Her own face a question mark, she watched my face to see if I was satisfied.

I smiled enormously. My smile was like those stars that could easily swallow the sun a million times. “Thank you so much,” I said. She went away.

“What did she say it was?” Carrie said. I turned back to the table, still smiling.

“Stomach lining and guts,” I said. Carrie’s mouth bulged as if she would puke. Neither one of us touched our human hearts again. Mom tried a tiny bit of mine and made a face. “All the meat I’ve eaten here tastes very strongly of the animal. It’s too strong. Very pig-like.”

The web says:

The “botillo” is a meat product made in the Leonese county of El Bierzo, with different parts from the butchering of the pig (above all ribs and tail), chopped up and marinated in salt, paprika, garlic and other natural spices. It is packed in natural skins and, before being eaten, it must go through the smoking and part-curing processes. Its exterior appearance is defined by the shape of the skin, although it normally takes on a globe shape, reddish grey in colour and weighing between approximately 500g and 1,600g per piece. When cut, it shows deep red tones, a firm consistency and an intense aroma. It is eaten cooked and accompanied by vegetables, above all cabbage, potatoes, chickpeas and chorizo pepper. It is a simple, hearty dish with no great secrets in the preparation, but it is one of the stars of El Bierzo’s cuisine.

The waitress was very apologetic when she realized we’d been surprised. I told her it wasn’t her fault, it was the menu (“pork with paprika” it had said, benignly). When I saw her a little later, on break outside the restaurant, she winked at me. Who winks anymore?

In the afternoon, Carrie lost one of her money purses. Luckily she had taken Mom’s advice not to put all her money in the same place, so she lost only about 15 Euros. But she was still upset. At dinner, I asked Mom if she still wanted wine, as she’d mentioned earlier, to celebrate the Day of the Cruz.

“Yes!” Carrie said, a little too enthusiastically. You want wine? we both asked her. “I need it,” she said.

At dinner, the waitress moved to stand right next to me, brushing my side, while I looked at the wine list, and went so far as to lean on my shoulder as I explained that their being out of my preferred desert was nothing short of a disaster. When she had gone, Mom and Carrie started laughing. “What?” I said. “We think she likes you,” Mom said.

Women in the United States never leaned on me or winked at me, so I left what for Spain was an unusually large tip. “She can have that,” I said, “instead of me.” Carrie made a face.

Mom at the Cruz de Fierro

Camino de Santiago - El Cruz de Ferro

This post is a continuation of Mom Approaches El Cruz de Ferro – the Iron Cross of Letting Go.

By the time Mom had removed her pack and gotten out her rock from home and the rumpled copy of her PET scan, all the other pilgrims had miraculously disappeared from the rock pile, save two who stood a few feet uphill from me.  In a field to our right, a tall, bearded man in his fifties was sobbing.  Mom made her way unsteadily up through the rocks.

One thing Catholics, the original pilgrims of the Camino, really understood is ritual.  Ritual is a mindful creation of a sacred space.  It was clear Mom had thought about how she would create such a space.

From the bottom of the pile of left-behind stones, I turned on the video of my camera and watched her kneel down, a small figure compared to the tall wooden beam in front of her.  I felt Timothy lodge in my own throat.  The two pilgrims

What is left behind

took their time leaving, perhaps magnetized by the sight of a man, weeping, holding a camera on an old woman kneeling at the foot of a cross.  For several minutes she knelt there, offering the copy of her PET scan, with the tumor circled in red, and a rock from Montrose.  These she placed under two rocks.

After a while, I handed the camera to Carrie and walked up the rock pile toward Mom.

Inge and Cameron at El Cruz de Ferro

She had stood up, and I put my hand on her lower back.  She began to cry, and I inclined my head to touch hers and cried with her.

For a lower-bandwidth version (not High Definition), click on The Cruz de Ferro.

Mom after letting go at the Cruz de Ferro

 

The Cross of Chemo

Chemo and the Cross

A week before I left Newark for Bilbao, I called Mom’s doctor at her request. “I wasn’t able to hear everything he told me about the cancer,” she had said. “Can you call him and talk to him? I don’t want to know what he says right now, though.” A few days after I left a message, he reached me in New Jersey. What follows are my largely unedited, contemporaneous notes of our conversation:

Reminds me she had ovarian cancer ten years ago last January. Treated with surgery and chemotherapy. They have followed her with CAT scans and PET-CT scans. The latter uses a sugar molecule that goes into rapidly dividing cells, such as cancer, and so those cells take up the sugar and create hot spots on the scan. They found three hot spots in May 2010. The pelvic spot went away, he says he has no idea why. [It went away after Mom radically changed her diet.] There were then two others, one higher up in retroperitineum and one in the top of the right lung.

She saw a doctor in Germany who convinced her that she should stop treating them with careful neglect and so we took one out of her lung. It looks like it’s not ovarian cancer, it’s lung cancer. Unfortunately, they save tissue only for five years, and while he wishes they had never thrown out her cancer slides [from when she had ovarian cancer 10 years ago], there is now no way of comparing the two.

Her recent surgery got completely around the one in her lung and it was small enough you wouldn’t do anything else. Now we’re left with the one in the back part of her abdomen, the retroperitineum. It’s in a touchy place to have a radiologist do a biopsy, located between the inferior vena cava and aorta, neither one of which you want to hit with a needle. Any biopsy would have to be done surgically.

If the lung cancer had been ovarian cancer instead, they could have convinced the radiation therapist to use radiation. But it looks like lung cancer, so the radiation oncologist isn’t keen to give radiation to what he doesn’t know. Both cancers will respond to radiation. He recommends she consider surgery, have it removed, then put in meda-clips so radiation therapist knows how far out to radiate, and radiate. Another option would be to cut as much out as possible and then do chemotherapy, because ovarian responds very well to chemo.

In February 2006 the last spot first showed up in a PET, 15mm, size of a dime, and in later scans it was 12, then 20, 19, 18, and in March it was 35mm in Europe (a little bigger than a quarter).

So she’s decided she’s going to do the Camino del Santiago [sic] and come back to get another PET scan, in October or November. See if it’s still the only spot. Options:

1. Surgery and biopsy
a. Consider chemo
b. Consider radiation
2. Radiate without a biopsy. He says it’s a good question to ask (as I did) why it matters defining the cancer, if both respond to radiation. The radiation oncologists say it’s not proven to be cancer and they don’t like to radiate that. Why not? I ask. Because radiation has a lot of side-effects. It would be close to her spine and intestine, could give her chronic problems, adhesions, diarrhea. 5000 rads in traditional radiation. Would CyberKnife (he calls it gamma knife) be a better idea to avoid the radiation? Yes, but it’s very expensive.
3. Do nothing

CA-125 score has gone up and down and so is not reliable as a measure.

I ask about the Stage 4 conclusion. Why is there not more urgency? Because they’ve watched it for five years and it’s not any worse, he says. Some would say when ovarian comes back, you do nothing until it becomes symptomatic. Some think recurrent ovarian is not curable, so one just controls symptoms (he’s not sure he agrees it’s not curable). He has one patient who had ovarian cancer 20, 15, and 12 years ago, each time with surgery and chemo and has not had a fourth recurrence. Everyone else who has had chemo in his practice has not had it go away.

Inge feels normal, and it’s hard to talk people into doing something when they feel okay. More spots, or the existing one in her abdomen, near her spinal column, growing would be ominous signs.

Radiation would be trying to hit a quarter-size spot. Blood vessels tolerate radiation well, but spinal cords don’t. Too much radiation could paralyze a person.

Would he recommend the gamma knife? She hasn’t seen the radiation oncologist in Montrose; doesn’t want to do so if she’s going to try the CyberKnife. He wouldn’t pay $50K to do it if one could do traditional radiation with high likelihood of few side-effects. He says the radiation oncologist in Montrose should give an opinion.

I ask about the nausea that was so bad for Mom the first time she had chemo. There are anti-nausea drugs available that were not on the market ten years ago, and the one she tried at $350 is now generic, and so cheaper. He has also had good results with patients treating nausea with medical marijuana.

He would not give chemo without a tissue analysis or biopsy. The chemo treatment is different for ovarian versus lung.

Is there ever a time when it begins to make sense to do scans more often than every six months? With her history, he says, no. Because things have changed so slowly over many years.

He says all of us, including physicians, in this day and age have to be judicious about how much we spend, else we run into intolerable debt.

When you’re hiking with her, you might suggest, Get that PET scan and then make a decision about doing something.

What are the risks of surgery to remove and biopsy? Inge’s pretty healthy, he says, she could do that pretty safely. Four to six weeks to recover. Risk of adhesions and thus bowel obstructions years later. Any risk of hitting the wrong thing? I ask. Yes, because you’re trying to remove as much of it as you can and doing so between two blood vessels that if nicked could cause bleeding. But surgeons are pretty good at working around it, and even if there is a lot of bleeding, they can clamp it off and close the hole. It’s easy for me to say, he says, I’m not a surgeon, but I’ve heard of that happening and surgeons take care of it. But you could get in there and find that it’s socked in around the blood vessels, get a biopsy, and get out. Put clips on it so that the radiologist knows exactly where it’s located, so you know exactly where you’re directing your radiation beam.

I say thanks as if to get off the phone. But he wants to summarize again. Adds that treatment for lung cancer, once it spreads, is more difficult to deal with than ovarian cancer. So maybe it’s time to do something definitive with this one in her ab-domen (he says it like this – ab-do-men). Any kind of cancer doesn’t typically grow this slowly, as slowly as the one in her lung and in her abdomen. They’re really not changing much, almost unheard-of over five years. Whatever she’s doing, I wouldn’t change it. Of course she’s really gotten religion with her diet and exercise in the last year, but whatever she was doing in the four years before that, that was working too.

Mom Approaches El Cruz de Ferro — the Iron Cross of Letting Go

Rabanal to El Acebo: Little Switzerland

I love the smell of cowshit, at altitude, in the morning. I’m not being glib here. It’s earthy and real, but most of all it reminds me of many of the happiest times in my life, at my uncle’s hotel-restaurant in Braunwald, Switzerland. The mountains between Rabanal and El Acebo, across a narrow valley, were shorter and below treeline, but somewhat reminiscent of Braunwald, one of my favorite places on earth. For nearly the entire day, we would walk high up on the other side of the valley ourselves, for long stretches on the ridge line.

More modern windmills on the ridges of mountains in the distance. Cold. I have on three layers, Icebreaker wool 200 weight and 320 weight, which I ski in, and a light windbreaker. Light wool gloves and a skullcap. Only my toes are cold, in spite of the five-toed wool socks. When you separate toes, as with fingers, you lose heat.

We stopped near the top of a ridge to watch the sunrise, a brilliant orange orb sending its warm light over the cold landscape. Mom was wearing a white scarf over her head. For most of the rest of the day, I would walk behind her, imagining myself supporting her, willing her upward.

We stopped in Foncebaden for Second Breakfast. It’s one of my favorite times of the day, Second Breakfast. Foncebaden itself is crumbling down. Of the few stone homes, about half are abandoned, their roofs stove in, the rocks in their walls straining to fall out like an old man’s teeth. I found out later that the albergue in Foncebadon offered – wait for it – a yoga class in the mornings.

As we walked, I asked Mom if she wanted me to dial up Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy” for her on my iPod when we reached the cross.

“No,” she said. “I’m going to be emotional enough. I’ve got all sorts of emotions going on.”

“Such as?”

“Well, first, I’m just grateful I’m here. It still boggles my mind. And I feel hope. I see that tumor just hanging by a thread, and maybe when we reach the cross it’ll just fall off. All the research I’ve done says fresh air is very important in curing cancer. And exercise. We’re getting a lot of that. And no sugar. I should have already starved it by now. But I’m trying not to have expectations. Just drop the analysis and let it be. And then sometimes I get a frog that comes and sits in my throat. He’s there so often that I’ve given him a name.”

Carrie and I waited for the name. Mom was climbing, huffing.

“Well?” I said. “The name?”

“Timothy,” she said. Carrie and I laughed. We kept going up, scanning the horizon for a tall cross, the Cruz de Ferro.

Carrie was now up ahead. Mom went on. “I’m also thinking of all those who’ve passed. I think of Candy, that she has the courage to make a happy life for herself. I pray Brianna will find her way. For Kaleb to continue on his great path, but whatever he does is okay.” She walked some more, still going uphill on the rocky single-track trail. “For you, to have peace and contentment and be able to let go of anything from childhood that may still be with you.”

I sang to her a bit of sing-song that she used to sing to me in the car when I was a boy, when we drove with my grandparents through Germany and Austria on the seemingly endless trip to my uncle’s hotel-restaurant in Switzerland. “We’re almost there, we’re almost there.”

She nodded. “Schiab’st a bissl’, schiab’st a bissl’”. This was my grandmother’s Nieder-Bayerisch for “push a li’l”. “Oma’s here,” she said. “That came right into my head.”

“She’s been here all along.”

“Yes, she has. They’re all lining up now, all of them from the past.”

Scrub oak, yellowing, growing brown. The trees are short as far as the eye can see, a sign of harsh winters. Some pilgrims say they’ve heard it can snow here in summer. An Italian couple walks ahead of us. Heather lines the path, some of it already dying. My toes are still cold. My nose is running, sprinting, hurdling, as I once did not so long ago, and in the far-away past.

The path goes all the way up. It’s all single-track now, and rocky. We are gaining 1000 feet in 5 miles. “I’m going to have a heart-attack before I even get to that stupid cross,” Mom said.

I’m suddenly struck by the thought, What will I leave behind? I hadn’t bothered to think about it. I didn’t even bring a stone, or anything else, from home. I have had some thoughts come into my head. Is there anything remaining from my marriage or divorce? Any regrets, guilt, resentments? Should I let go of the fear of committing myself to writing, and all that implies? I walk on without having decided anything. I had a few more kilometers. Maybe something would come to me.

Suddenly we saw it. About two hundred yards ahead. The cross was made of a 25-foot tall wooden beam with cross-beam and stood atop a 15-foot pile of rocks. I had read that the original pile was created by Pagans. Just as many churches were converted from or built on top of Pagan temples, the Christian symbolism here was built on the rubble of Pagan religion.

More than a dozen brightly-colored pilgrims milled about the rock pile. I could see them

Up ahead, the Cruz de Ferro

posing for pictures. A handful of bikes were parked next to the pile. My heart sank. This was the space we would try to make sacred? But Mom was forging ahead, walking toward the cross as if pulled by a magnet.