Upon waking this morning and hearing the birds, right outside my window, I felt peaceful. Breathing in the cleansed, moist mountain air from the great rains, once more I buoyed (is that even a word?). There are no discernible aftershocks from the emotional lava. I did come to the conclusion, that even though I have genuine feelings about this whole cancer trip, yesterday was mostly due to the side effects of the painkiller. I would rather feel the pain than go through another crappy day like yesterday, if I can avoid it. (Makes me wonder how many people take meds that alter their emotions and thinking? Then take more to deal with that.)

I will learn a little more after my Doc’s appointment today. Meanwhile, I will order some items for our hike. I also noticed, how I missed going up to the early morning sun-lit black walls of the canyon. Maybe this weekend.

Well. I didn’t see that one coming. I am totally wiped out and could wipe the puddle on the floor, that is me.

After months, weeks and days of utter cheerfulness and Pollyanna method, the mighty self crumbled and I’m weeping over any damn little thing. Could be the pain meds. Could be that I feel that having cancer once was enough. That I paid my ‘dues’. I feel like I carried this big sack up the mountain, slid back down, picked it back up and go again.. and again. I feel overwhelmed and sad. I wish I could find a Naturopathic Doc who would lead me through this jungle of choices. Which one to do? Which one to avoid?

I don’t want to repeat, even one more time, what my test result was and how this brings the reality closer and closer. Then again, tomorrow is another day and I’ll carry on, chin up, etc.— Thanks Cameron for catching me and giving me a soft place to fall.