Sunday started out rather nice. I had found a German channel on T.V. that played snappy music. I cleaned house to that and gleefully did the polka and waltz while dusting and waxing. When I was done I watched a beautifully done fairytale.

A friend came by and we had coffee and just baked Gingerbread Muffins, which were divine. After she left, the phone rang and it was my Doc. After not hearing for nearly 2 weeks it startled me. So. He expressed his great concern and launched into a thorough explanation of what I should do and why. (I think I covered that in a recent post). The risks were covered as well. Surgery would not be an easy one and as previously stated, the lower bowls are in the way! Once the cancerous lymphnode was removed, clips would be used to mark the spot for later radiation. And then, for good measure the dreaded, long avoided, running away to do the camino, CHEMO! There it is. I can hardly stand to look at the word.

Then I fell apart. Just howled with the memory of pain and crap and that I would have to do it again. I could barely get my breath. If they slipped, horrible things could happen. That was a bad night and a very long one. Friends would say, why didn’t you call me? I’m open 24/7. I said, well I could not have talked.  Dawn took a long time coming. This long time… the blue hours. I have to catch my emotional equilibrium again. Spirit, don’t leave me now. Strength and faith— where are you??? Someone else said I can imagine how you feel. NO. You. Don’t. I was just a quivering mass inside, scared out of my wits. I was caught. Just like an animal in a net.

I feel my control is slipping away. I have to bow to their treatment as the others are now too ureachable. Moonwater.  I said to him, wow, now I have to go to Dr. D. with my tail between my legs to do surgery. (She was the Specialist from Denver University, whom I saw 19 mos ago.) The one that lit my fire to run away. And look, what all I have done in that time. So, no. I’m not sorry nor filled with regret. I am  soo proud of what I’ve done and so very pleased all the places I went to think it over. But now, I am at the end of my tether. The things I ground up, swallowed, mixed, pureed, cooked and ate raw. The vitamins and irons I faithfully swallowed. The good thoughts I thought. The optimism I stroked so tenderly. I have to work hard to recapture this again.

As I commented the other day, they can kill me but they can’t eat me. I will be up once more and I will put my warrior coat on and I will fight for the best life I can have. To even get another chance is a blessed gift from God. That the cancer has not spread throughout is remarkable. To have removed the largest one JUST with lifestyle changes, was enormous. I am in the best shape, physically, that I’ve been in, in a long time. I am not defeated.

So. I start marching.

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